Questions I Ask Google When My Hart Is Broken.
1. What is that feeling in every cell of your body when someone says they don’t want you?
This one google couldn’t answer; google didn’t get it and thought I had cancer. I asked a Facebook friend group, they said orgasm. Nope not it.
I’ll describe it for you. It’s like burning Velcro ripping apart. I EVERY CELL.
So I asked Dr. Lori. I said and I quote: “I have abandonment trauma from my nanny leaving when I was 3 or 4 and now whenever anyone says they don’t want me I feel this burning tearing like Velcro coming apart in every cell of my body. How do I get rid of it? I feel like as a psychologist I should know this and be able to do it.” Dr. Lori’s response: “I don’t think you can get rid of it; It’s ancient limbic system. Attachment is a real thing.”
Yes attachment is a real thing, not just emotional but physical too. So What I’m learning is to anticipate it and it’s ok. It feels like death but it’s not. We’ve all heard it in the songs played on the radio, this is part of the human experience. Our goal has to try to not be afraid of it. Attachments come and go but that burning tearing Velcro, as bad as it feels, doesn’t feel as bad as staying in a relationship dynamic that isn’t working you. And if it’s not working for them, it’s not working for you.
2. Is it possible that two people who both speak English and consider themselves to be pretty good communicators can’t communicate and understand each other?
Yes. Emphatic yes. The thing is, we all have different histories and different learned ways of communicating. Different vernaculars. Someone told me I was well built. I have an immediate emotional withdrawal when I hear that. Fat? Big? Muscular? Some of you reading this are going to immediately know that it was meant as a compliment. Someone who grew up in his community or with a similar background might emotionally understand that right away and get all soft. When I hear that I emotionally pull away and get a little hard because I grew up feeling like I needed to be small. I can text something that seems completely benign to me, but someone might project their own past experiences into it and perceive something that I did not intend and then withdrawal. The big problem here is the withdrawal. If you are really invested in someone, you’ll take everything with a grain of salt and ask. However!!! It will take a lot of practice and a lot of patience because we’re still going to have that immediate emotional response.
3. Did I do everything I could?
Only you know the answer to this one. We can’t change other people’s feelings or behaviors. All we can do is try to be our best selves. And according to friend Nicole, the other person will see us if they are worth their salt, they will see if us if they want to. Sometimes it’s their shit not ours that gets in the way. What did I do and was it enough? I talked to my therapist. I talked to my friends. I got on meds to help make sure my mood was where I wanted it to be during this shit show of a pandemic. I read the self-help books and man did I UNDERLINE! I listened to the podcasts. I even listened to my clients. And I shared with this person the things I was learning. Did he listen to the podcast? I don’t know. Did he read the books? Probably not even though I gave him my copies. Did he read the articles that explained some of my emotional experience? No, I’m pretty sure he didn’t. And that is the information we need to say ok, it’s time to move on and let go.
4. Can you be friends with an ex?
Maybe? How do you define friendship?
I’ve not yet managed it. When I love someone, I go all in and I give everything. Is that wise? NO. Do I recommend that my clients do that? NO. But I do. And then when that person doesn’t see me it really hurts. And why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t see you? I’m trying to learn not to do that, but I think prior relationships with the beloved can muddy the waters. A lot.
Now if you managed to see each other and both felt seen and then talked through the split, ya, you could probably be friends. Come to think of it, I guess I do have one of those in my not-too-distant past.
5. How long does it take to get over a broken heart?
I have no idea. As long as it takes.
Is your heart really broken? I don’t think mine is this time. I think it’s frustrated and it’s sorry. So ask yourself what’s really happening internally. Is it about this one relationship? Is it about all relationships? Is it about expectations from others or expectations for yourself? Is it fear about the future? Are you interpreting something about yourself that probably isn’t true but stems from a narrative you’ve created over time?
What work do you need to do to heal the heart? I always tell my patients that when you break a bone you go to the orthopedist to set it and get a cast to stabilize it, but we are the ones who actually do the healing. We heal through nutrition, and exercise, and sunlight and all the things that grow bones. What heals a heart? Nutrition, exercise, sunlight, friendship, pets, meditation, medication, vacations, moms, dads, brothers, sisters, therapy, thinking, stopping thinking, reading, writing, painting….. EVERYTHING. Living life.
Nicole says remember who you are. She’s right, we don’t need other people to see us if we see ourselves. My counter argument to that was the old “if a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it did it really make a sound?” But hopefully most of us have at least someone in our lives who can remind us who we are if we forget. I am strong, I am brave, I am smart, I am beautiful, and there aren’t many people as generous with their love as I am.
And one day you wake up and it doesn’t hurt so much.
6. Resources I found Helpful
a. This is a podcast, both are the same, just different ways to listen.
– James Hollis Podcast
–James Hollis Podcast for non apple people
b. The New Codependency by Melody Beattie
c. Friends and doctors and personal trainers, pets:
– Nicole S-T, Dr. Lori, Dr. G, Dr. H, Mr. Fortune, Spock, Lucy, Aegina, Sunny